Sunday, May 10, 2015

Are We Pregnant?

Tuesday April 28th, 2015.

Transfer day is finally here. Hollie and I waited together in our patient room. A nurse came and gave Hollie a hospital gown, hair cap and feet booties along with medication to help her cervix relax. The embryologist came in to confirm we were who we said we were, confirm we wanted to transfer two and inform us that they both survived the thaw. One was fully hatched and the other just about to hatch from its shell. We called Matt on speaker to let him know how things were going. Our doctor came in to say hello and she approved for me to join them in the treatment room. I was dressed in oh-so-attractive full body scrub gear and asked to spit out my gum. The embryologist showed me our embryos up on a screen. I had seen photos of other embryos before, but these were OUR perfectly beautiful little mini-babies that I was looking at for the very first time. 
Our doctor prepped Hollie, the embryologist brought two of our embryos into the room in a little straw, and they were gentle placed inside Hollie’s cozy womb. It was quite medical, scientific and non-romantic inside the sterile treatment room. I froze silently in fear of disrupting the process. Hollie was more relaxed, talking to the doctor about Netflix shows and making jokes like “this feels a little different than the last time I got knocked up.” As I returned to our patient room, I began sobbing before the nurse wheeled Hollie back to me. Our doctor came in to ask if I was okay. I’m NOT a “hugger” type person and I never really bonded with our doctor on a personal level. Yet, I could not contain myself from leaping into her arms and whispering “thank you.” Hollie laid flat for about an hour while we listened to music, called our husbands and gazed at photos of our silly hats and our beautiful embryos.
I drove Hollie to a quiet place for 3 days of bed rest together in which she was not allowed to sit up past a 45 degree angle except to use the restroom. Originally, we thought these days would be filled with countless hours of Netflix marathons, but mostly we slept. I don’t know who slept more: Hollie from all the hormones and the procedure placing two foreign beings into her body, or me from the mental exhaustion and all the flooding emotions. Our bond is something special. It’s impossible to be anxious when you’re in Hollie’s presence. She is sarcastically hilarious, supernaturally calm and is extremely productive in rationally nipping my anxiety before it flares out of control. Our husbands and other visitors brought us meals and snacks. Then we went back to our homes for the hardest part, the wait…
 
Monday May 4th, 2015
Matt and I had a long conversation that Monday night. I wanted Hollie to take an at-home pregnancy test. Not because I was impatient or anxious, but because I wanted the maternity process to feel organic. If I got pregnant on my own, the at-home test would be a whirl of emotions we’d experience together and I longed for that natural feeling. Matt worried it was too early, only 7 days post transfer and the at-home tests are less accurate than the blood test which was only 3 days away. I worried that listening to a voicemail with a beta HCG number would feel cold, medical an impersonal.

Before coming home to this conversation, I attended a church home group with some friends. We prayed for a woman there who was overdue by a few days. She was sitting across the room from me on a white couch, with a dark colored shirt covering her perfectly rounded tummy. From the other side of the room I could see a silhouette of rolling ripples from the baby moving. I couldn’t stop staring in awe at the visible life inside of her. I thought to myself, “I’ll never experience what that feels like.” Then I heard a voice say back to me, “Yes you will! Don’t you see? Your friend sitting right beside you at this moment has your child(ren) inside of her. You were there in the very moment she became pregnant and you will be there in the very moment your child(ren) enter into this world. You will see every ultrasound and feel the baby kick and move. You could even be there for an at-home pregnancy test!” As I shared this with Matt he felt my point and realized it was for the right reasons. We called to share this with Hollie and John on Monday night and they agreed to let us come over at 5:15am the following morning for an at-home test.

Tuesday May 5th, 2015
Matt and I purchased three different pregnancy test brands for fear that one might be less sensitive or less accurate than the others. We hoped at least one of them would show a faint pink line. When we arrived Tuesday morning it was still dark outside. Hollie was in her pajamas, John was dressed to leave for work, and their kids were sound asleep upstairs. Hollie dipped all three tests, then we all stepped away and waited for the longest three minutes of our lives. As the timer on my phone went off, indicating three minutes was up, all four of us cautiously approached the kitchen table where the three tests lay. I had knots in my stomach and butterflies in my chest. We were all eager and terrified at the same time.

As I glanced down at the table my vision quickly became blurred by tear filled eyes. Not one, not two, but all three tests were clearly and boldly positive! We shouted, laughed, cried, hugged and sighed. This is really happening! We’re pregnant! We vowed not to get overly excited until the blood test, but it was impossible not to. I took a photo of the positive tests and went back to look at it dozens of times as if I possibly could have forgotten how beautiful it was the first time. I found myself singing, smiling and laughing constantly for next few days. (Also lying to many of you who asked if we knew the results yet. Hehe, sorry!)
 
Thursday May 7th, 2015

Hollie went in for a lab draw Thursday morning and we instructed the nurse to leave a voicemail on my phone as late in the day as possible so we could all listen together after work. We anticipated the voicemail to be predictable and anticlimactic. So, we considered listening together via Face-Time, but ultimately decided to BBQ together at our place that evening. The four of us gathered around my phone and hit “play” to hear a message I had been tempted to listen to on my own for hours. The nurse said, “I’m just calling with your test results. I am very very very excited and happy to tell you that the results are positive. Your beta HGC today is 265. Normally we like to see a beta HGC at 50, and ummm, ahhh this looks fantastic. It’s a good solid number. Ummm (pause…), my gut says there’s two judging but this number, but we won’t be able to verify until we do the ultrasound.” TWO!!??!! Lots of screaming, crying and laughing drowned out the rest of the voicemail about prescription doses for Hollie so we had to play that part back later. My jaw dropped to the floor, John had his hand on his forehead, Hollie was clapping and laughing, Matt looked like he might pass out.  So it’s safe to say that we are very definitely pregnant!

Sunday May 10th, 2015
I remember last mother’s day well. The numb emptiness, the confusion and lack of direction, the sweet gifts from my sister. Today is mother’s day 2015 and I’m officially going to be a mom. I AM a mom! These child(ren) are not from my egg, nor my husband’s sperm, nor are they in my womb, but I still feel so deeply and undeniably in love with their spirits. A year ago I would have never imagined that our traditional adoption journey would have landed us here. I’m madly in love with and feel completely bonded to these little blob looking embryos, created by strangers DNA and growing inside the womb of another woman. Yet here I am today. A valuable lesson I learned this year, is not to force a plan for the sake of wanting a plan. Just because there are many beautiful traditional adoption stories, doesn’t mean that was the path meant for our journey to mini-moore. You can’t force a puzzle piece into a place it was not designed to belong. No matter how much it looks like it could fit, or how much you push and shove, it will never be meant to rest there. Blessings overflow when we wait, pause, listen to God’s will and step forward obediently no matter how insane it may seem. I’m in awe of the capacity of scientific medicine, the miracles of God’s provision, and the kindness of others all merging together to bless me on this mother’s day. We were married on Father's Day 2005, and ten years later we are finally pregnant on Mother's Day 2015. I am floating on clouds of hope, gratitude, anticipation and pure giddy excitement for what the future holds.
 
Could it be twins..? Will we make it full term with a healthy pregnancy? What are the costs involved in a journey like this? Follow the Blog, like us on Facebook, and follow us on Instagram to receive updates on our journey such as: ultrasound images, fundraising events, and more! We wouldn't be where we are today with out supporters like you. Thanks for hanging out.

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